I really don't know where, or how to start this. It has been quite the time since it happened. It was August the 24th. Whether the sun shined or it poored really hard, I really can't tell. All I know about that day was, that my mum send me a text telling me to come to "Marsdiep" right away. Nothing else. But I knew what had happened when I read that.

It's been something I've been thinking about for some long time. "What if..."
My grandmum has been sick for quite some time now. I think almost a year now. Even though, she didn't seem to affected in the beginning - she could walk, she could talk, still cook, etc. - I dunno, Paranoia I guess, but I felt it would end wrong. She's been to the hospital many times, and I mean many many times. Eventually I stopped seeing her at home. Her husband - my grandfather - really lost it without her around. He went lonely, and allways waiting for his wife to come back. He stopped taking care of himself, like eating properly and such, even though he did keep watering the plants, cleaning the house.. etc. He also started to forget things. In turns, we, the family, stayed with him for some hours to acompany him. But he really never seemed to be as happy as he used to. Just confused, why his wife wasn't there for him. He just didn't understand it.

The last few weeks before, when things really got bad with my grandmum, only a few were still there taking care for her. My mum, and my aunt. They were allways there for her. It's not like no one else ever visited, but they just were there less frequently then those two. Much less. It was really hard to see her, not being able to move, not to speak. Not sure if she even hears you. Knows you're here..

I was scared myself to visit her. I just didn't want to see her like that, want to remember her they way I want her to be. Selffish asshole I am, but I am. Only when I heard the docters had given up hope, I went back, to see completely different then she used to be. I'm not going to describe what I saw, but for a moment it felt like someone was pulling a terrible joke on me. This couldn't be real, couldn't be her.

The last few days she was moved to her old house in "Marsdiep". I remember being there, just looking at her. I knew she wouldn't hear me, wouldn't see me.. My mum was there to. Preaching things in her language to her - my mum's dad was a Pandit, a hindu priest. I dunno why I'm even mentioning things like this when I just don't know what to say more about it, but I couldn't do anything then to stare silently, tears flowing over my cheeks.



My grandmum was a great grandmother. She's the only one I ever had. And where some people express their hate to their grandmothers, I couldn't even begin to understand how someone could be that nasty. For me, every old person was just as sweet and nice as my grandmum was. She really loved us, and her house was allways open to any of us. There used to be a lot of party's at her house, whenever there was something to celebrate, it was with her. And she allways cooked for us.

It's weird. I can still hear her laughing all the time, see her smiling, even still feel her hugging me. After all those months. Heh.



24th August, my mum texted me to come to "Marsdiep". I just knew what was going on before I even entered. When I was in front of her house, I saw most standing outside. One of my cousins embraced me and cried out. Everyone was in tears.
I visited the room where she left us once, to see my grandfather sit there watching her, with someone whom I believe to be some sort of a caretaker, comforting him.
I don't know much about that, only except that I wanted to get away from there, as fast as I could.



That was on a Monday. Life goes on, and so did I. Strangely enough, nothing seemed to be much of a burden. I don't really think I really realised it anyways, but yeah.. The thursday following the monday was the day for the cremation.
It's a tradition for us that, all carriers of the family names.. The sons, and their sons, had to get shaved. People who know me, know that I loved my long hair. But without hesitation I let it be cut short, even though everyone told me I didn't have to do it. I wanted it. Just a sign of respect.

[link]

People found it a waste. But. At least my hair grows back.



The cremation.. So many people showed up. Really. So many. If it was something more cheerfull, my heart would be beating, since numbers like this are sure to make a difference. Could so many people just bring her back.

As one of her sons sons, I was one of the few who had to stand during the whole ceremony behind the coffin she was in, during the whole ceremony. I was also one of the few who could carry the coffin to the "oven" where she could be cremated.
*sigh* So much things has happened really that day, Seeing people I'd never think I'd see, hearing people talk about her.. Seeing my grandfather there, again realising she isn't there anymore. Finding people in tears, I've never though it'd be possible.


A lot of things has happened after it as well, but this is enough for now. I know me, I'll be talking about it, till the sun goes down again. She is gone. And we just have to go on.
Meh. Perhaps there is one thing I'd like to share.


There have been many rituals after it. One of them was.. weird. But it did taught me a lot. Even though it's so obvious..
We had to make all things she loved to eat, and get the things she loved to drink. After some rituals, we had to bring everything outside. And when we put it to the ground, we had to walk away without looking back. No one explained it, but it was clear I had to go on. Now I think of it, it really helped me through those days, no weeks, following.


Enough is enough. I have to go on, and so did I.



Not everything went wrong lately.
I guess it was a month before she died. A friend of mine was throwing her birthday party at her home, all across the land. I felt for partying, so I went to her place, knowing I'd be around many people I'd never ever seen before. It was a surprise to find out two other friends of me showed up as well.
The party was fun. We were all in the livingroom, at 1 am night, with a guitar, a singer, shouting famous 90's all night long. Heh.
Yeah, I've grown pretty asocial to strangers, as I'd like to call, lately. Where I used to be pretty shy, I'd now just sit beside someone and just chat with them like I know them for years. Pretty much the Dutch Student mentality anyways, but yeah xD
With the necesarry beers done, I ended up flirting with someone without really any intention. It was fun, since she didn't really go along with it, but got a little bit uncomfortable, as in, not sure what to do. I guess one of my friends noticed me flirting with her - not that hard really - and sat next to me, other side. Before I knew, she teasingly kissed my cheek. The girl I was flirting with, saw it, and quickly kissed me on my other cheek. Before I knew it, I was subject to a kissing contest. Honestly. I actually didn't mind at all. I was there with that stupid smile on my face, and way to many beers on my stumic to really do anything, but let them kiss me.
My friend eventually ended it by standing up, and walking away. It felt then like I really hurt her - lately she told me she was just kissing since the other girl sort of taunted her - but yeah. The other girl eventually took me outside the room. I wasn't really sure whether I wanted that, it still felt like a game for me, but I decided to play along.

We'd been sleeping together that night - just hugging, don't get yer perverted minds all went about this(there were to many others in the room ) - to wake up seeing her, even having trouble to remember my name. That was the most epic moment I had in perhaps all my life.


Yeah, the next few days, we were inseperable, even though I never really had the feeling of being in love, I found it really relaxing being with her. I guess she had the same, since we both though we shouldn't be calling it a relationship. just "hugbuddies".

Perhaps it went a bit fast for both of us.
Shortly after, she texted me she never wanted to see my again - but it wasn't me - and it took me 30 minutes to get over it.


Yeah, that was... 4 months ago or something? By request on a friend of mine, I texted her a few days ago, one last time, just to see if she wanted to start over, only just as friends. She replied trying to looked all cheered up, that nothing ever changed. Honestly, I didn't really care. Somehow, I did feel a bit treaten like a dog, if you understand what I mean. Ah well.


I did realise that I've never been alone really, that I haven't been looking for anyone to be there for me. I've allways been looking for that one and only for me(© Chobits <3).
I've taken a lift off, heading for the skies. Only now I'm not afraid at all going alone ~ <3



Yeah... Sorry for the lenght. I should update more often I guess huh?
Well, I guess you're used to it anyways.





Ah. Art.

I guess you already figured out by now, that my apetite for creating art has kinda vanished. It will be back someday, but I guess we both know that I'll never really be back creating art, improving myself like I used to.


Heh.